Reality Check : LAUGH : Lambo's Top 7s

Lambo's Top 7s
The Greatest Hits

For several years, a man known as LL Lambo, posted a Top 7 on the Reality Check discussion forum every Friday.

Here we publish for posterity his (self-determined) Greatest Hits!

Top 7 Ways to Recognise that you are suffering Diabetes Burnout

7. You go to order test strips and they are no longer on the order form.

6. You have a donut, go to bolus, but realise that instead of bolussing, you are changing TV channels.

5. You stop enjoying Halle Berry in “Catwoman”. Mmmm Lycra©.

4. You are out driving and whilst stopped at a red light this guy pulls up next to you with the top down on his new Porsche. You have no idea who it is. That was your Endocrinologist.

3. Someone asks if you are Type 1 or Type 2 – and you can’t remember.

2. You own 5 NovoPens (including that ridiculous multi-coloured one) but you can’t find any of them.

And the #1 way to recognise that you have diabetes burnout is….drumroll purleeeeezzzz….

1. You finally make an appointment to see an Endo, and they tell you that they found a cure 5 years ago. Bugger.

Top 7 Super Powers of HypoMan

7. BGL'O'Vision: The ability to look at your fingertips and tell your BSL.

6. ENDO-SNAP: With a mere snap of the fingers, HypoMan renders Endo's incapable of comprehending or producing any number higher than 6. Very handy for when reading HbA1c results or producing invoices.

5. DEE-DUMB: The ability to render mute anyone about to share with you their "DUMBASS" opinion on how to fix up your "D".

4. DRI-AZA-NOSE: The ability to keep your nose dry even in the presence of drunken Diabetics.

3. RELO-SLAP: One slap renders well meaning relatives unconscious in your presence. NB: Can lead to a really sore hand at weddings.

2. CARB-BE-GONE: With the wave of a hand reduces any food on your plate to a total carb count of 15g. (One exchange in old money). NB: Also known as the "Half Pavlova" manouver.

and the #1 Super Power....drumroll Purrleeze...

1. 5PEFN-PUNCH: (or the 5 Point Exploding Food Nazi Punch). An ancient technique of 5 pressure point punches which will cause a Food Nazi to explode within 5 steps of application.

Top 7 Diabetic Toys

7. Diabetic Pictionary...OK, so draw the following (if you can)...a Food Nazi, a Chocolate mud cake (just to annoy the Food Nazi's playing), a patronising relative, a MiniMed 512, Chelle's tattoo...etc...

6. Let's Bolus Barbie. You get to pump barbie whenever you like. Comes complete with Mini-MiniMed pump and stick-on bruises.

5. HypoMan and Catwoman Action figures. Sold seperately, or you can get the twin set - this is where HypoMan comes in Catwoman's box (ba-dom-boom....tishh).

4. Nude Hypo Twister. Let's see those confused pumpers get their infusion sets tangled. Perfect for a crowd or for those nude hypo diabetics who just like to play with themselves.

3. Operation. Choose from Pancreas Transplant, Penile Implants or the challenge round...getting the cap back on your NovoPen after Laser Corrective Eye Surgery. Buzzzzzz.

2. Hypo Slip'n'Slide. Just think of it...all the hypo Diabetics in their togs (bathers, swimmers, cossies - depending on where you're from) running at a 10ft long piece of plastic hooked up to the garden hose. Quite a mental image if you ask me.

and the # 1 Diabetic Toy is....drumroll puurrrlleeeezzz....

1. Inject Me Elmo. Elmow woves his NovoWapid....Ouch...dat huwrt Elmow. Comes with lifelike syringes, minature NovoPen and a little orange for him to practice on.

Top 7 Diabetic Multiple Choice Survey Questions

Yes folks...it's time to get interactive. You know those trashy surveys in magazines like Cosmo...well it's sooo our turn.

So get the letter opener onto the steamy sealed section in true - is your boyfriend too in touch with his feminine side to really have room to love you too - style...and prepare to do some math as I present for your enjoyment the Top 7 Diabetic Multiple Choice Survey Questions...what type of Diabetic are you?

Rated: PG. Nudity, Violence, Lycra.

Scoring: If you answer a)...1 point, b)...2 points and c)...3 points. Ratings at the end.

7. Your BSL at present is...

a) Just fine thanks.
b) Who wants to know @#$%face?
c) Like a rollercoaster with Parkinsons disease.

6. Your HbA1c is...

a) Just fine thanks.
b) None of your GODDAM business.
c) So high, I feel like human fairy-floss.

5. Your Endo is...

a) Just fine thanks.
b) OK most of the time.
c) A blight on the human condition who must be expunged from the Earth with all trace of their pathetic existence effaced.

4. I consider my Diabetes as...

a) Just fine thanks.
b) My own problem to deal with and overcome.
c) Just another nail in the coffin of my all too short and meager existance.

3. Hypo's are...

a) Just fine thanks.
b) A little tricky, but no big deal.
c) More fun if you are nude and in the mood. Grrrr.

2. Lycra is...

a) Just fine thanks.
b) Not bad for stopping those extra kilos from wobbling so much...but irrelevant to my Diabetes.
c) The next best thing since insulin.

and last but not least....

1. Food Nazi's are...

a) Just fine thanks.
b) Not worth worrying about.
c) Evil people who should be rounded up, put into an asylum with only low fat Salada's to eat and a recording of Fletch saying 'Should you really be eating that?' on a continuous loop through a shitty old PA system.

OK so how did you do...here is the Legend so that you can work out definitively what type of Diabetic you are...

If you scored...

< 7 points: You didn't add it up properly and your old Maths teacher would be ashamed of you. Hope you take more care with your BSL levels.

Between 7 and 14 points: You are in serious need of therapy. You have unresolved phsycological issues pertaining to your Diabetes. You often lie. You most likely will make an idiot of yourself at the next RC shindig.

Between 15 and 21 points: You are well balanced and you smell nice. You are perfectly healthy with an optimum HbA1c. You have a stylish look about yourself. You spend way too much time on obscure websites. You sleep in the nude and have a preference for Lycra.

Top 7 Diabetic Websites

So you all thought I was going to make some mileage out of my impending Fatherhood status, but I thought that I would flog that horse a little later.

So boot up your Vic 20's and Commodore 64's (go and make a few cups of coffee whilst they are still booting up several minutes later), set the Virus software to Max-Porn-Be-Gone mode and get the fingers hovering over CTRL-ALT-DEL, as I present to you....the Top 7 Diabetic Websites.....

7. www.jamyourstupidfreakinmeterupyourarse.com

6. www.killyourpatronisingendo.com

5. www.imahumanpincushion.com

4. www.101waystowasteafoodnazi.com

3. www.whatsmybloodglucose.com

Please note that the above website will automatically re-route you to either www.whichwayisthewindblowing.com or www.bslbingo.com.

2. www.illthumpherifshetellsmeimusthavehadtoomuchsugarwheniwasakid.com.gr

and # 1 in the Top 7 Diabetic websites is....drumroll puuurrrleeeeez....

1. www.howtotorturenondiabeticknowitallswithbluntsyringes.com.bwahhaha

Note from the Author. Try typing anything without spaces between words...very tricky.

Also see Lambo's Top 7 - the early days (2004)

For the complete set of 130 Top 7s, go to the Forum SEARCH, and type Top 7 into the first field and LL Lambo into the author field.
Or await the book.

Back to more Laughs

Published 29th July 2007

Lambo's Top 7s The Greatest Hits For several years, a man known as LL Lambo, posted a Top 7 on the Reality Check discussion forum every Friday. Here we publish for posterity his (self-determined) Greatest Hits! Top 7 Ways to Recognise that you are suffering Diabetes Burnout 7. You go to order test strips and they are no longer on the order form. 6. You have a donut, go to bolus, but realise that instead of bolussing, you are changing TV channels. 5. You stop enjoying Halle Berry in “Catwoman”. Mmmm Lycra©. 4. You are out driving and whilst stopped at a red light this guy pulls up next to you with the top down on his new Porsche. You have no idea who it is. That was your Endocrinologist. 3. Someone asks if you are Type 1 or Type 2 – and you can’t remember. 2. You own 5 NovoPens (including that ridiculous multi-coloured one) but you can’t find any of them. And the #1 way to recognise that you have diabetes burnout is….drumroll purleeeeezzzz…. 1. You finally make an appointment to see an Endo, and they tell you that they found a cure 5 years ago. Bugger. Top 7 Super Powers of HypoMan 7. BGL'O'Vision: The ability to look at your fingertips and tell your BSL. 6. ENDO-SNAP: With a mere snap of the fingers, HypoMan renders Endo's incapable of comprehending or producing any number higher than 6. Very handy for when reading HbA1c results or producing invoices. 5. DEE-DUMB: The ability to render mute anyone about to share with you their "DUMBASS" opinion on how to fix up your "D". 4. DRI-AZA-NOSE: The ability to keep your nose dry even in the presence of drunken Diabetics. 3. RELO-SLAP: One slap renders well meaning relatives unconscious in your presence. NB: Can lead to a really sore hand at weddings. 2. CARB-BE-GONE: With the wave of a hand reduces any food on your plate to a total carb count of 15g. (One exchange in old money). NB: Also known as the "Half Pavlova" manouver. and the #1 Super Power....drumroll Purrleeze... 1. 5PEFN-PUNCH: (or the 5 Point Exploding Food Nazi Punch). An ancient technique of 5 pressure point punches which will cause a Food Nazi to explode within 5 steps of application. Top 7 Diabetic Toys 7. Diabetic Pictionary...OK, so draw the following (if you can)...a Food Nazi, a Chocolate mud cake (just to annoy the Food Nazi's playing), a patronising relative, a MiniMed 512, Chelle's tattoo...etc... 6. Let's Bolus Barbie. You get to pump barbie whenever you like. Comes complete with Mini-MiniMed pump and stick-on bruises. 5. HypoMan and Catwoman Action figures. Sold seperately, or you can get the twin set - this is where HypoMan comes in Catwoman's box (ba-dom-boom....tishh). 4. Nude Hypo Twister. Let's see those confused pumpers get their infusion sets tangled. Perfect for a crowd or for those nude hypo diabetics who just like to play with themselves. 3. Operation. Choose from Pancreas Transplant, Penile Implants or the challenge round...getting the cap back on your NovoPen after Laser Corrective Eye Surgery. Buzzzzzz. 2. Hypo Slip'n'Slide. Just think of it...all the hypo Diabetics in their togs (bathers, swimmers, cossies - depending on where you're from) running at a 10ft long piece of plastic hooked up to the garden hose. Quite a mental image if you ask me. *and the # 1 Diabetic Toy is....drumroll puurrrlleeeezzz....* 1. Inject Me Elmo. Elmow woves his NovoWapid....Ouch...dat huwrt Elmow. Comes with lifelike syringes, minature NovoPen and a little orange for him to practice on. Top 7 Diabetic Multiple Choice Survey Questions Yes folks...it's time to get interactive. You know those trashy surveys in magazines like Cosmo...well it's sooo our turn. So get the letter opener onto the steamy sealed section in true - is your boyfriend too in touch with his feminine side to really have room to love you too - style...and prepare to do some math as I present for your enjoyment the Top 7 Diabetic Multiple Choice Survey Questions...what type of Diabetic are you? Rated: PG. Nudity, Violence, Lycra. Scoring: If you answer a)...1 point, b)...2 points and c)...3 points. Ratings at the end. 7. Your BSL at present is... a) Just fine thanks. b) Who wants to know @#$%face? c) Like a rollercoaster with Parkinsons disease. 6. Your HbA1c is... a) Just fine thanks. b) None of your GODDAM business. c) So high, I feel like human fairy-floss. 5. Your Endo is... a) Just fine thanks. b) OK most of the time. c) A blight on the human condition who must be expunged from the Earth with all trace of their pathetic existence effaced. 4. I consider my Diabetes as... a) Just fine thanks. b) My own problem to deal with and overcome. c) Just another nail in the coffin of my all too short and meager existance. 3. Hypo's are... a) Just fine thanks. b) A little tricky, but no big deal. c) More fun if you are nude and in the mood. Grrrr. 2. Lycra is... a) Just fine thanks. b) Not bad for stopping those extra kilos from wobbling so much...but irrelevant to my Diabetes. c) The next best thing since insulin. and last but not least.... 1. Food Nazi's are... a) Just fine thanks. b) Not worth worrying about. c) Evil people who should be rounded up, put into an asylum with only low fat Salada's to eat and a recording of Fletch saying 'Should you really be eating that?' on a continuous loop through a shitty old PA system. OK so how did you do...here is the Legend so that you can work out definitively what type of Diabetic you are... If you scored... < 7 points: You didn't add it up properly and your old Maths teacher would be ashamed of you. Hope you take more care with your BSL levels. Between 7 and 14 points: You are in serious need of therapy. You have unresolved phsycological issues pertaining to your Diabetes. You often lie. You most likely will make an idiot of yourself at the next RC shindig. Between 15 and 21 points: You are well balanced and you smell nice. You are perfectly healthy with an optimum HbA1c. You have a stylish look about yourself. You spend way too much time on obscure websites. You sleep in the nude and have a preference for Lycra. Top 7 Diabetic Websites So you all thought I was going to make some mileage out of my impending Fatherhood status, but I thought that I would flog that horse a little later. So boot up your Vic 20's and Commodore 64's (go and make a few cups of coffee whilst they are still booting up several minutes later), set the Virus software to Max-Porn-Be-Gone mode and get the fingers hovering over CTRL-ALT-DEL, as I present to you....the Top 7 Diabetic Websites..... 7. www.jamyourstupidfreakinmeterupyourarse.com 6. www.killyourpatronisingendo.com 5. www.imahumanpincushion.com 4. www.101waystowasteafoodnazi.com 3. www.whatsmybloodglucose.com Please note that the above website will automatically re-route you to either www.whichwayisthewindblowing.com or www.bslbingo.com. 2. www.illthumpherifshetellsmeimusthavehadtoomuchsugarwheniwasakid.com.gr *and # 1 in the Top 7 Diabetic websites is....drumroll puuurrrleeeeez....* 1. www.howtotorturenondiabeticknowitallswithbluntsyringes.com.bwahhaha Note from the Author. Try typing anything without spaces between words...very tricky. Also see Lambo's Top 7 - the early days (2004) For the complete set of 130 Top 7s, go to the Forum SEARCH, and type Top 7 into the first field and LL Lambo into the author field. Or await the book. Back to more Laughs *Published 29th July 2007*
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