Reality Check : LAUGH : Lambo's Top 7s

Top 7 Things to say once recovering ones wits after a massive hypo

7. Hello carpet.
6. Ok, so you can never accuse me of being predictable.
5. So this isn't the nudist convention?
4. What seems to be the problem Officer?
3. Ok, so maybe "technically" it was your Mars Bar.
2. Are you telling me that you can't sweat like this on command?

and the # 1 thing to say when...yada, yada, yada...

1. So I'm nude...so I have ice-cream all over me...do you need more of an invitation than that?

Top 7 Diabetic Slogans

7: Diabetics do it up to 4 times a day.
6: You can’t fool a Diabetic, we know what pricks look like.
5: Diabetics…we know how to pump.
4: Don’t mess with me…I’m Diabetic, I’m hypo, and I’m on the edge.
3: Before you answer…I’m Diabetic and I’m used to the sight of blood.
2: I have a syringe…and I’m not afraid to use it.

And # 1: (Drum roll please)

1: I’m Diabetic and I eat what I like.

Top 7 other uses for syringes

7: Squirting water.
6: Digging out splinters.
5: Sucking the liquid out of blisters (come on – you must have done this)
4: Playing syringe Jenga.
3: Popping balloons.
2: As a lancet when you are caught short.

1: Darts (of course)

Top 7 responses when someone picks up your NovoPens and tries to write with it

7. How does this work?
6. Which…way…up…oops.
5. This ink is clear?? (I like to say it’s invisible ink at this stage)
4. Is this a pen?? (Derrrr)
3. Should you keep this on your desk? (Should you be touching my GODDAM stuff)
2. Man this must be a fine point. (OK I made that one up – I like to amuse myself)

1. What the????

The Top 7 Diabetic Olympic Events

7. BSL Hop, Skip & Jump
6. 400m denial
5. Impotent Men's Rowing....or the Coxless Pairs
4. HbA1c High Jump
3. Food Nazi small bore pistol target shooting
2. 110m psychological hurdles

and # 1....drumroll please....

1. Diabetic Drug Testing: or knowing more about what should and shouldn't be in your urine than the Drug Testers.

Top 7 Empowering Diabetic Quotes

I was at a conference last week where one of the topics was empowering your Employees. Really interesting stuff (not wanky at all - for those of you who read that and screwed up your faces)...so here goes.

7. I am Diabetic - hear me roar (apologies to Helen Reddy)
6. Sugar...Ha Ha...I laugh in the face of sugar.
5. God created all things Equal...Equal in your coffee, Equal lollies....(OK not empowering, but funny?)
4. I can have my cake and eat it too, and still have a good BSL at the end of it.
3. I'm diabetic and I do what I like.
2. Diet Coke Rocks. (Lime included).

and #1...drumroll please...

1. Diabetes is just another challenge among many others in our lives.

The Top 7 things you'd like to hear Halle Berry say to you

7. Oh..your BSL is very high. Want me to help you work off some energy?
6. So your HbA1c's 8.1 too...we have so much in common...
5. Oh look...you've got lollies by the bed...you're so thoughtful. (And cute too).
4. Oh I'd love to see your pump thing.
3. I'll just warn you in advance...I tend to get nude when I hypo. (Sidenote: How you doin' Tash?).
2. Do you know how many carbs I'll need for wild sex?

and no. 1....drumroll please....

1. Could you just check my thighs for a good place to inject.

The Top 7 Diabetic Games

7. Blind Man's blood sugar
6. Used syringe Jenga (I still play this)
5. HbA1c Snakes and Ladders (more ladders than snakes, might I add)
4. BSL Bingo
3. Diabetic Monopoly - Go to hospital...go directly to hospital...do not pass-out...
2. Pin the used syringe on the annoying sibling

and the # 1 Diabetic Game...drumroll purleezzz...

1. Diabetic Cluedo - Professor Plum, in the Bathroom, vivisected with a rusty lancet...or Mrs Peacock, in the Library, strangled with an extended infusion set...Colonel Mustard, in the groin, shot by a depressed hypoglycemic Reality Checker on the edge. Haha.

Top 7 Diabetic Fantasies

Sometimes just thinking about this stuff and coming up with the wildest shit imaginable is relaxing for me...so indulge me.

7. Everyone in the world was "diabetic", except a small minority whos pancreas's worked. They then started support groups for non diabetics, and tried to save up for pancreas removal operations - so that they could be normal. Hehe.
6. Having sex without worrying about passing out mid-coitus. (Not that this has ever happenned to me of course).
5. Go snorkelling in an ocean full of chocolate milk and use your snorkel as a straw.
4. Eating a whole packet of Tim Tams in one sitting.
3. No more f%cking injections.
2. Ordering the 5 course banquet and insisting that they all come from the dessert menu.

and the # 1 diabetic fantasy (for me anyway)

1. Getting stuck on a desert island with Halle Berry, and she has forgotten to bring her insulin, and she would "do anything" if she could just borrow some of yours handsome. Purleeezzz. Pretty Purleeeezzz. Mmmm. Now I'm worried (refer point # 6 above).

The Top 7 reasons why diabetic plane meals are just wrong (on sooo many levels):

7. Carob should be expunged from the planet. (Should be a UN resolution in my opinion).
6. Getting the same diabetic meal for dinner - and breakfast.
5. Apparently diabetics must love rubber chicken.
4. Flight attendants (bless them) going through the menu (OK I was business class) every frickin time - only to bring out the rubber chicken anyway.
3. Apparently the only desert we are allowed to eat is fresh fruit salad. (Not bad mind...just no choice).
2. Sugarine? OMG...I can't believe they had Sugarine.

and number 1....drumroll purrleese...

1. Seeing the crap meal given to the passenger next to you and thinking - "That looks really good compared to mine".

Top 7 Diabetic Myths

7. You can't eat sweets.
6. You can't drink alcohol (ahem...hellooo).
5. You can't have kids (don't tell Thomas).
4. You can't drive.
3. You can't have a Mac-Attack.
2. You can't have sex (kill me...kill me now).

and # 1 on the hit parade...

1. You must have had too much sugar when you were young (Ahhh...beating head on desk).

Top 7 hypo combating delicacies

7: Mars bar.
6: Nuttella (straight out of the jar by the spoonful). Mmmmm.
5: Ice cream and chocolate topping.
4: Crispy M&M’s.
3: Good ol’ JB’s.
2: White chocolate pannacotta (you know…if it happens to be handy)

1: Mouth full of “Thirst” life savers and a slurp of Coke. This was an accident worth repeating. Instant spider and Lambo's "Must Try" of the week.

Top 7 dumb things said when having a hypo

PS: These are all true according to my wife (although....)

7. Chocolate, chocolate, chocolate (like a mantra)
6. I have to catch the Bus. No you don't understand...I NEED TO CATCH THE BUS.
5. Started addressing my wife as "Marj".
4. (Staring into the "full" pantry) There's nothing in here, nothing.
3. Twister, let's play Twister.
2. Car keys...nedd to find the car keys...

and the # 1 Dumb thing said whilst having a hypo...
1. How did I get down here?

Top 7 things to say to a diabetic, guaranteed to annoy the shit out of them...

7. Do you need some sugar?
6. Do you need some insulin?
5. How many times per day??
4. I heard about a cure on the News the other day....
3. But you can take tablets now, can't you?
2. Should you be eating that? (Grrrr)

and the top annoyance factor (for me anyway)..
1. You must have eaten too much sugar. (Arghhh).

Also see Lambo's Greatest Hits (2007)

Back to more Laughs

Published 1st August 2004

Lambo's Top 7s the early days For several years, a man who will remain known only as LL Lambo, posted a Top 7 on the Reality Check discussion forum each Friday. We immortalised some early favorites on this here page.
Top 7 Things to say once recovering ones wits after a massive hypo 7. Hello carpet. 6. Ok, so you can never accuse me of being predictable. 5. So this isn't the nudist convention? 4. What seems to be the problem Officer? 3. Ok, so maybe "technically" it was your Mars Bar. 2. Are you telling me that you can't sweat like this on command? and the # 1 thing to say when...yada, yada, yada... *1. So I'm nude...so I have ice-cream all over me...do you need more of an invitation than that?* Top 7 Diabetic Slogans 7: Diabetics do it up to 4 times a day. 6: You can’t fool a Diabetic, we know what pricks look like. 5: Diabetics…we know how to pump. 4: Don’t mess with me…I’m Diabetic, I’m hypo, and I’m on the edge. 3: Before you answer…I’m Diabetic and I’m used to the sight of blood. 2: I have a syringe…and I’m not afraid to use it. And # 1: (Drum roll please) *1: I’m Diabetic and I eat what I like.* Top 7 other uses for syringes 7: Squirting water. 6: Digging out splinters. 5: Sucking the liquid out of blisters (come on – you must have done this) 4: Playing syringe Jenga. 3: Popping balloons. 2: As a lancet when you are caught short. *1: Darts (of course)* Top 7 responses when someone picks up your NovoPens and tries to write with it 7. How does this work? 6. Which…way…up…oops. 5. This ink is clear?? (I like to say it’s invisible ink at this stage) 4. Is this a pen?? (Derrrr) 3. Should you keep this on your desk? (Should you be touching my GODDAM stuff) 2. Man this must be a fine point. (OK I made that one up – I like to amuse myself) *1. What the????* The Top 7 Diabetic Olympic Events 7. BSL Hop, Skip & Jump 6. 400m denial 5. Impotent Men's Rowing....or the Coxless Pairs 4. HbA1c High Jump 3. Food Nazi small bore pistol target shooting 2. 110m psychological hurdles and # 1....drumroll please.... *1. Diabetic Drug Testing: or knowing more about what should and shouldn't be in your urine than the Drug Testers.* Top 7 Empowering Diabetic Quotes I was at a conference last week where one of the topics was empowering your Employees. Really interesting stuff (not wanky at all - for those of you who read that and screwed up your faces)...so here goes. 7. I am Diabetic - hear me roar (apologies to Helen Reddy) 6. Sugar...Ha Ha...I laugh in the face of sugar. 5. God created all things Equal...Equal in your coffee, Equal lollies....(OK not empowering, but funny?) 4. I can have my cake and eat it too, and still have a good BSL at the end of it. 3. I'm diabetic and I do what I like. 2. Diet Coke Rocks. (Lime included). and #1...drumroll please... *1. Diabetes is just another challenge among many others in our lives.* The Top 7 things you'd like to hear Halle Berry say to you 7. Oh..your BSL is very high. Want me to help you work off some energy? 6. So your HbA1c's 8.1 too...we have so much in common... 5. Oh look...you've got lollies by the bed...you're so thoughtful. (And cute too). 4. Oh I'd love to see your pump thing. 3. I'll just warn you in advance...I tend to get nude when I hypo. (Sidenote: How you doin' Tash?). 2. Do you know how many carbs I'll need for wild sex? and no. 1....drumroll please.... *1. Could you just check my thighs for a good place to inject.* The Top 7 Diabetic Games 7. Blind Man's blood sugar 6. Used syringe Jenga (I still play this) 5. HbA1c Snakes and Ladders (more ladders than snakes, might I add) 4. BSL Bingo 3. Diabetic Monopoly - Go to hospital...go directly to hospital...do not pass-out... 2. Pin the used syringe on the annoying sibling and the # 1 Diabetic Game...drumroll purleezzz... 1. Diabetic Cluedo - Professor Plum, in the Bathroom, vivisected with a rusty lancet...or Mrs Peacock, in the Library, strangled with an extended infusion set...Colonel Mustard, in the groin, shot by a depressed hypoglycemic Reality Checker on the edge. Haha. Top 7 Diabetic Fantasies Sometimes just thinking about this stuff and coming up with the wildest shit imaginable is relaxing for me...so indulge me. 7. Everyone in the world was "diabetic", except a small minority whos pancreas's worked. They then started support groups for non diabetics, and tried to save up for pancreas removal operations - so that they could be normal. Hehe. 6. Having sex without worrying about passing out mid-coitus. (Not that this has ever happenned to me of course). 5. Go snorkelling in an ocean full of chocolate milk and use your snorkel as a straw. 4. Eating a whole packet of Tim Tams in one sitting. 3. No more f%cking injections. 2. Ordering the 5 course banquet and insisting that they all come from the dessert menu. and the # 1 diabetic fantasy (for me anyway) 1. Getting stuck on a desert island with Halle Berry, and she has forgotten to bring her insulin, and she would "do anything" if she could just borrow some of yours handsome. Purleeezzz. Pretty Purleeeezzz. Mmmm. Now I'm worried (refer point # 6 above). The Top 7 reasons why diabetic plane meals are just wrong (on sooo many levels): 7. Carob should be expunged from the planet. (Should be a UN resolution in my opinion). 6. Getting the same diabetic meal for dinner - and breakfast. 5. Apparently diabetics must love rubber chicken. 4. Flight attendants (bless them) going through the menu (OK I was business class) every frickin time - only to bring out the rubber chicken anyway. 3. Apparently the only desert we are allowed to eat is fresh fruit salad. (Not bad mind...just no choice). 2. Sugarine? OMG...I can't believe they had Sugarine. and number 1....drumroll purrleese... *1. Seeing the crap meal given to the passenger next to you and thinking - "That looks really good compared to mine".* Top 7 Diabetic Myths 7. You can't eat sweets. 6. You can't drink alcohol (ahem...hellooo). 5. You can't have kids (don't tell Thomas). 4. You can't drive. 3. You can't have a Mac-Attack. 2. You can't have sex (kill me...kill me now). and # 1 on the hit parade... 1. You must have had too much sugar when you were young (Ahhh...beating head on desk). Top 7 hypo combating delicacies 7: Mars bar. 6: Nuttella (straight out of the jar by the spoonful). Mmmmm. 5: Ice cream and chocolate topping. 4: Crispy M&M’s. 3: Good ol’ JB’s. 2: White chocolate pannacotta (you know…if it happens to be handy) *1: Mouth full of “Thirst” life savers and a slurp of Coke. This was an accident worth repeating. Instant spider and Lambo's "Must Try" of the week.* Top 7 dumb things said when having a hypo PS: These are all true according to my wife (although....) 7. Chocolate, chocolate, chocolate (like a mantra) 6. I have to catch the Bus. No you don't understand...I NEED TO CATCH THE BUS. 5. Started addressing my wife as "Marj". 4. (Staring into the "full" pantry) There's nothing in here, nothing. 3. Twister, let's play Twister. 2. Car keys...nedd to find the car keys... and the # 1 Dumb thing said whilst having a hypo... 1. How did I get down here? Top 7 things to say to a diabetic, guaranteed to annoy the shit out of them... 7. Do you need some sugar? 6. Do you need some insulin? 5. How many times per day?? 4. I heard about a cure on the News the other day.... 3. But you can take tablets now, can't you? 2. Should you be eating that? (Grrrr) and the top annoyance factor (for me anyway).. 1. You must have eaten too much sugar. (Arghhh). Also see Lambo's Greatest Hits (2007) Back to more Laughs *Published 1st August 2004*
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