So, now that I'm 25, that means I've been living with Diabetes for *thinks* 12 years, and this year I will have officially lived with it for exactly half of my life. Doesn't seem that long.

Anyway, I should get to the point. So, what is my point exactly? Well, despite having lived with the big D for close enough to half my life, I still have BIG problems when it comes to admitting to myself that I do actually have diabetes.

Don't get me wrong, I do inject my insulin like I should (ok, well, 99% of the time, occasionally I'll 'forget' to have my nightly protophane), and I do stick fairly well to my diet. But that is about as far as I am able, at this stage at least, to be able to deal with my Diabetes.

While I understand the need for regular checkups by the doctors, the Hba1c's and all that sort of thing, I can't help but feel that I don't want them interfering with "My" Diabetes.

And blood glucose tests? Yeah, I do them... Once in a blue moon. On average a pack of 50 test strips will last 1-3 months. I know, I know, no need to lecture me.

I keep a close eye out for possible advances in Diabetes health care, but asides from that tend to keep my distance from the entire Diabetes 'scene' - including the reality check web site (although I do receive the Reality Check emails) and forum.

Now, although to some I must seem like I haven't come to terms with my diabetes very well, compared to only a few years ago I'm doing a lot better. All throughout my teenage years I was a regular in hospital, with frequent admissions for DKA, thanks to me getting fed up with my Diabetes and deciding I wanted a 'holiday' from it, so stopping my insulin, pigging out on all the junk food I could get my hands on and nearly putting myself into a coma many, many times. Later, in my late teens, my anger with living with the big D (as well as a lot of other issues, including some pretty major trauma I experienced as a young child) meant that these episodes of 'Non-compliance' became serious suicide attempts, while at the same time I began resorting to alcohol and drugs to numb the pain and provide some sort of a 'protective barrier' between myself and the outside world, and all it's pain, misunderstanding and grief.

So, although I know I'm far from the 'ideal' diabetic, I do feel I have achieved a lot to get where I am now. I no longer drink alcohol at all, I have not taken any illegal drugs in years now, and although my Diabetes isn't as well controlled as it could be, it's controlled a lot better then it used to be.

So, can anybody else understand where I'm coming from?

Troy.

added 7th January 2004

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