A Dizzying Rollercoaster Ride

A dizzying rollercoaster ride: highs, lows, laughter, tears and more than the recommended serve of junk food. No, I haven’t been to Disneyland; I’ve just celebrated my first year of motherhood and motherhood with diabetes no less! There’s no escaping the fact I’m not the same Vanessa I was a year ago and in truth am just settling into the latest version of myself. I have learnt that it’s not just the exclamations of ‘Oh God!’ at nappy change time that have made parenting such a spiritual experience.

Skyla Jean, now moving into toddlerhood is vigilant, albeit unaware, in her role as her mother’s ‘little teacher’ and continues to challenge and exceed my expectations of parenthood. When I am asked, ‘How has having a baby changed you?’ I must first decide whether to relay the unabridged experience or simply offer an extract. For those interested, a deep breath draws the former forth with excited abandon.

‘How hasn’t it changed me!’ I exclaim. Before having a baby, I had romanticised ideas of motherhood: I’d have a gorgeous, kissable bundle of joy and a reason to shop for adorable clothes. I’d make necessary accommodations but wouldn’t the baby love to go shopping and nestle in my arms while I enjoyed a coffee with friends? Although this scenario didn’t go as planned (A. Babies are strangely averse to sleeping under glaring department store lights and B. I’d met my match attempting to crack open a Diet Coke, nibble a friand and settle my overtired baby all while endeavouring to look interested in my girlfriends’ ‘who was dating who’ and ‘have I tried that new noodle bar around the corner?’), a further series of events would clarify what my new life and new baby expected from me.


Predictably, caring for a baby and managing my diabetes would provoke some degree of inner strength. What shocked me most unexpectedly though, were the ways a baby drew traits from me that needed strengthening and offered a rare opportunity to experience the deepest personal happiness I’ve ever known. Grand statements! Shouldn’t I be on the cover of Conquest? Not unless their stylist has an open mind toward well-worn pyjamas and bloodshot eyes! All told, these feelings of euphoria did not come easily but with a little help from the ‘f’ word (fluidity, potty mouth!), I made ‘going with the flow’ as much a part of daily life as taking my insulin.

One of the first insights was into my own mortality. In the first six months of parenthood, I ate little more than cheese sandwiches and chocolate milk. The result was debilitating exhaustion and a diagnosis of anaemia and high cholesterol. High cholesterol? What was I? Fifty years old or something? I snapped from my eating rut quick smart to become the reining fruit and veggie queen, to which I honourably still hold the crown. I felt a buzz of energy that must have been the vitamins nourishing my depleted body! My restored vitality coupled with a commitment to exercise on my walking machine three times a week stabilised my diabetes, anaemia and cholesterol. Thank goodness too: I was beginning to consider just renting out some floor space in my GP’s waiting room!

It was during this time it dawned that ‘things’ would never be the same. My days had new meaning. Sleeping, eating and even caring for myself could no longer be taken for granted. I also discovered a parenting paradox: as much as life had become repetitive, it was dually spontaneous. Let me tell you, there is no time to waste when Skyla is sleeping and my romantic husband Anthony offers a, um, backrub. Ah yes, a feeling only a parent could know: anxiety-laced romance. The passion and creativity I had once poured into my skincare career was now utilised by making funny food faces with cheese and carrot sticks. And my biggest cosmetic extravagance was lip balm. Breaking away from my pre-baby identity and bonding with the new me was a day-at-a-time process.

Thoroughly appreciating my maternity leave and spending so much time with Skyla, I struggled with my desire to return to work. An opportunity arose to work part-time at a business which was five minutes from home. My retired parents offered to look after Skyla so I could return to an industry I loved and earn a little money. Sounded perfect! As logical as it seemed, my new employment was nothing but disastrous for my diabetes. Although my new employer was aware of my diabetes and its implications, the company didn’t permit formal tea breaks. The breaks they had, so-called informal, consisted of a slurp of tea under the clock-watching eye of the boss. Run off my feet in a chaotic customer service environment and unable to eat morning or afternoon tea, it wasn’t long before my BSLs were fluctuating sharply and my mood was low. When I did have a day off to spend time with my baby girl, I didn’t have the stamina to enjoy her company or growing list of antics. It was only a matter of months before I decided my health and family far outweighed the financial benefit this job was giving me. Ironically, my employer was in the retail health industry, supposedly caring for the needs of the community! Suffice to say, I resigned without a seed of regret and once again began the familiar journey of rebuilding my health.

It’s funny what life throws you and, more to the point, what you throw back. Since making the decision to become a ‘full-time mum’, I have attracted experiences, friendships and a scope of possibilities that I wouldn’t have otherwise known. Sure, there are times when my ego laughs hysterically (what’s so funny about dancing to Hi 5 anyway?) but mostly I feel positive about the challenges of contemporary parenting and relish the freedom of running my own schedule. I remind myself on those days when I’m knee deep in washing that it’s OK to feel a little flat – I’m not a machine nor do my emotions turn on at the push of a button. Knowing me, you’d expect that a square or two of chocolate would feature in my respite. Cadbury Dairy Milk is still on the shopping list!

So what lies on the horizon for this latest version of Vanessa? After lessons in fluidity, nutrition, dancing in one’s pyjamas and associated spiritual epiphanies, it may be expected that I would retire from further grand pursuits and take stock of my achievements. Tut, tut, tut, have you learnt nothing about the prepossessing combination of diabetes, motherhood and sleep deprivation? I have my ticket and my Diet Coke and am strapping myself in for the next dizzying ride: planning baby number two!